It's august already. I hope the months keep up the nice quick pace. It's nice that way.

I don't know why I'm up so early. I'm not even doing anything constructive. Hmmm... Maybe I should update what's going on a bit. When we last left our hero he was working at a shitty chicken plant and on the threshold of fatherhood. Nowadays, I work at a shitty chicken plant and I'm now a father and that's it so it's not a big twist in the plot or nothing. I really do have a beautiful baby. It's not quite as hard as a thought it be, but I still don't think alot of my instinctial stuff kicked in right. It worries me a little. I really wanna be a good Dad.

I've been thinking alot lately and I'm going to write an assload of songs just as soon as I'm still, unbusy, and awake enough to actually sit down with the guitar. I've got all these little beats and melodies and crap lyrics in my head just rolling around and mixing each other up and I just want to figure them out and see if they're really as good as I think they are.  I got a broken tape recorder. I could use that. I don't know. I'll try something. I'm gonna have to do something soon, whether it's figure the songs out or figure out how to get them to stop bothering my brain. Something must be done.

My wrist hurts. I wonder how long it's been since I've typed. I blame my job.

Miranda and I are doing well. I can't believe I got someone who actually cares. It's so weird and not what I'm used to. I'm not gonna complain though. It's cool. She wants to be sweet and do things for and be with a loser, then who am I to stop her? I wonder every now and again if I make her happy. It scares me to think she's with me other than the fact she loves me, but it alright cause she doesn't throw off any vibes or air like that's the case.

The DS lite is one of the greatest little things I've ever owned. Seriously. I don't have many games for it, but I heard what's coming out and it sounds friggin awesome. There's a friggin' game that stars the little blue slime from the Dragon Warrior sereis. He beats up duck raccoon hybrids or something. He has a tank too. It's gonna be cool, I'm sure. There's a few others that have me feeling vindicated for buying a DS, like Zelda and FF3 and all sorts of others. At the moment, I'm on the verge of beating Sonic Rush. The bosses pull goddamned cheap shots though. It pisses me off. I will WIN though. I'm gonna buy the Nintendo Wii whenever it's coming out. I don't know when it happened, but I've become rather narrow-minded in the videogame arena and started only really getting excited for nintendo. There's a few Xbox things that look cool and all though. I think I might have just accepted that I'm poor or something. I don't know. I think it's cause I can't get hi-speed internet maybe. Only nowadays, Nintendo's on that shit. Just as long as there's a few more non internet implementing games for primitive monkies like me I'll be okay.

My lady and my baby are sleeping so peaceably together. I love my family. I don't really know how all this came about, but I'm really happy this is how it worked out. I have it made, I really do. I still miss the band and stuff, but I really have alot to thankful for otherwise. For the perfect life I will need: A band, preferrably with mr. segovia behind the rhythm section; an apartment, trailer, our own space; a car, a working one; and a good job. It'll be all gravy then. I would have to complain about weather or something after that, cause I wouldn't have many problems at all.

We're going union like they say

Woah woah woah. Hold the phone.

Okay. thanks.

I think I'm getting used to at least a little the busy lifestyle that is keeping a steady job.  How odd. My job is to pick up meat off the floor at a chicken plant. Don't be jealous, we can't all live the glamourous life. Anyways, not much has been happening other than working and working and waiting for my child to be born. Miranda's showing a bit now. She's so self conscious about it, the silly girl. She's so beautiful too. I wish I had a picture to show. I wish my baby was already out and about and stuff. All this waiting is getting frusterating. I can't imagine how frusterating it is for Miranda. I don't have the thing attached to me reminding me it's gonna be here soon but I gotta wait. I can at least distract myself for a second.

Which I have. I don't own an X-box or a playstation 2 but I've tried to play decent games lately. I bought eternal darkness (maybe a few years too late), and I bought the god awful sonic heroes out of nothing but sheer hope. Miranda beat sonic. I still haven't. I don't even care anymore. The gamecube is a very lonely thing. A more powerful resilent and portable console there is not, but the damn thing barely has any games for it. There's really no reason to go out of your way to own it after Resident Evil came out for PS2. Except for Zelda Twilight Princess. That's supposed to be an awesome game, so great. We shouldn't have to wait long. Rumor has it that it's due out last year. I can't wait till time goes backwards and nintendo remembers to put out that game that one time. Yay.

I MAYBE A LITTLE DRUNK, OKAY? I didn't think the man would sell me the beer, honestly. I got the damn thing and went on my way and that was a happy adventure. Actually, it wasn't that happy of an adventure. I moved furniture in hot weather. But still (!), it's a significant event because I practically never consume alcohol and I totally didn't expect my plan to do so would work. So, I'll dedicate a paragraph to it and not feel immature.

I haven't talked to my brother in awhile. Wonder what he's up to. I hope he's not a murderer now. Things could happen.

I haven't talked to Michael either. I do wonder what he's up to. I hope he's happy wherever he is. I hope he knows that I still consider him a close friend, whether we're close to each other or not.

I haven't talked to Grant either. I wonder what he's up to. I can imagine that it involves a fire somehow. Crazy granthan.

And oh all my other friends that drift around out there. I wonder if Mark's doing alright. He might be graduated by now. Crise is probably making something of himself out there in the desert. Jared's around here somewhere. And all my other friends, farther away. They could be anywhere. I wonder where Kimber is right now. Last I heard she was in california, but planning to run away Virginia Beach for some reason. Faren was in Tacoma, being straight A's and sober.  How weird. Michele's in Arizona I think, and Erin's in Montana last I heard. Carey Baker was last heard from in Pennsylvania. I wonder if Chris Gill is out of the military yet. I should contact that man one day.

I think I should stop. I have a funny way of reciting information to myself about the past as if to make sure I knew what happened, or as if I was sure if it did happen. Who knows if those people remember me at all, even a little, in passing. There's no telling. Why it matters to me in my new life that I created for myself, I don't know, but I do care. About some anyways. I owe alot to those people out there. Some were nothing more than flings or scenery in retrospect, but some of them fucking mattered. My brother, my parents, Michael, Miranda....... they mattered. They mattered so much, and they etched themselves permanetly on who I am now and the person I will be. Maybe that's why I recited this information. Hmm... now it seems there will be another person. Little Lily Darty. Poor girl, you're gonna have a silly last name.

so goodnight, boys, goodnight

Hello, how do you do? Goodness gracious, this type is bold and ugly. I don't remember making it like this. Aw well. Xanga, I understand you not.

Don't eat chicken! Seriously. The USDA doesn't give a damn about what you put in your mouth. Actually, don't eat any meat at all. Or vegetables. Or anything that comes from a plant, factory, store, ANYTHING. Actually, grow your own food. It's the only way to be safe. The seeds will come from the store at first, so that sucks, but you can harvest your own seeds after awhile. And if you want meat, get livestock. You wouldn't want it then, I bet. I'm gonna get a goat one day and care for it like a child. I'm going to nurture it and love it and have it live the most spoiled life ever. I'm going to murder it after it's overstayed it's welcome and it all it's good parts. I'll show that goats who's boss. I'll tell it the day before that it's number is up too. I'll have to pretend I'm instilling fear into it though, because I doubt it'll understand. 

I don't play music enough anymore. I don't even really get to listen much to it. I always promised not to become like this. But, hey, it's gonna be worth it. I'm gonna have a daughter soon. I've saved up more money than I thought working at that disgusting chicken plant. I counted it last night and was really impressed. Before, if I was sitting on a stack of money like this I'd have a new guitar and several new video games. I'm surprised with how much control I'm exercising with this. I think I'm going to treat myself to a subscription to EGM. It's the only thing I read anymore so cool.

Things are more well than I could have figured. My fingers are jacked up though. My pointer and middle on the right have no fingernail, just crusty afflicted skin where it used to be. The thumb and pinky nail are black. The other hand is alot like that, but instead of missing nails I got more black stuff going on. For whatever reason, my ring fingers look perfectly untouched and unspoiled by my work. They don't hurt so much now, they just look bad. My tendons on my left hand reject me from doing some things, cheifly playing guitar. Maybe one day I can do it again.

So yesh, I'm anticipating muchly the arrival of my first child. It's supposed to be a girl. That'll be really nice. We already got some cute little clothes for it. One outfit has a ladybug on the butt. Miranda is very impressed with it. If it's a boy, let's hope it inherits my good looks. I wouldn't wanna know what kind of life it can endure without being FABULOUS like me. Jesus, I hope it doesn't have to go through the BS I went through in middle school. High school was alright, but goodness, I was grilled daily by the cooler kids before that. I guess that's the way it goes. Stupid kids. I bet they suck now.

Hmm... I wonder why I started this. I really don't have much to say. I guess I'm done. Wee. CIGARETTE TIME

I can't sleep because a bunch of stupid memories are bubbling inside my head. Just stupid visual stuff like my mother in tears at the school and me being forced on a stretcher. I remember the vice principal with a sneer but that might just be imagined.

I also see woods alot. Virginian woods, and furniture setup out there in the middle of nowhere. There's a mirror and a table and a couch and two recliners. The four of us, all confused to death with puberty would talk about everything. The two girls in the group were quick to keep us on our toes, by flirting mad one minute and dissing hard the next. We were such confused little boys.

There's also a pump house, at evening. I'm a child and I'm called in for dinner. There's hot dogs and chips.

I see in my mind a side walk and road going on and on and on up a hill to the exchange, where I have decided to voyage to that day. It's hot, and other than the significant quezebo that I passed on my left, there's nothing but forest, swamp and trees seperated from the sidewalk by a strip of grass running onward into the future, making sure this trip I'm making isn't a short one.

It's dark and there's lights twinkling. Police cars and firetrucks have all met on a street corner infront of the bulletin board for no reason that me and Chris can tell. I had never felt so high on life more than that day, and I never felt more ruined at the same time. With what I thought was the end of my social life, the rest of the world seemed in turmoil too, or at least it seemed by all the lights and police officiers in the vicinity.

I'm jumping on my bed in my dimmed room at two in the morning and just hurt myself by hitting the ceiling fan and breaking it, then falling to the ground in a hump. My mother comes to me worried, and then asks me to go to bed. I sit in the darkness in the earliest hours of that year's valentine's day and wonder if I've ever  been alive at all.

There's a scenery of a confined and cramped shed. The heat is so thick that you can feel pressure when you move about. I've been there for hours and so had Michael and the sweat pours from us both. We swear that sometimes we see steam emit from areas. There's drinks littered about with hidden cigarette butts. Music comes out of us easier than our  breath and we're the only ones on the planet.

I see rows and rows of buses. I see drum equipment that I gotta put away. I see her laughing after I ask her out. I see a pier and my father and my brother. I see lightning over the desert making the entire sky purple. I see my mother's face smiling.

I see mostly stupid visual stuff from school and the mistakes I made. I can't shake them. Thinking of all the screwups I done it makes me so afraid to face the future. Seriously, I'm scared. And that's why I can't sleep tonight.

Whatever possessed me to come to xanga better see me through to whatever ends I'm hoping for. I'm counting on at least three good ramblings. It's a magical time of year. I have $1.27 in change and haven't bought a single present for anyone yet. Also, I'm a bastard. I got like 13 shopping days left though to spend my money. I could buy everyone a jolly ranger, maybe.

Karma spites me not, I hope, because I don't count on any presents coming in this year. So, as long as that stays in balance, I'm fine. I go tommorow for a job interview at ESCO!  I don't know what that is, but it supposedly pays well enough. I hear it's hard labour. And they specify HARD. I don't know what this means exactly, but I hope it doesn't involve breaking my morality. This is the last place in town to make a living that hasn't rejected me outright yet, so here's hoping. The alternative is going to AL to get a job, but that ushers in a whole new laundry list of more bullshit than anyone could want. I'd get into it, but nah, I won't. It's totally boring and it frusterates me to no end just to think about. Irony; I started this thing to ease my bored mine away from such frusterating thoughts.

A cat pissed on my cloves but I honestly can't say they taste any worse.

I had a friend named Michael once and he was better to me than I deserve. He had my back so much. I never understood that. Why me and him bonded so hardcore is a mystery to me, or why he even stuck around and put up with my bullshit. Eventually, it was me who left, not by choice. He remains the one guy that stands out the most in my life, and I must admit, I miss him tremendously. Time doesn't work backwards, so if I'm gonna hang out with him again, I gotta get shit straight.

My parents were great to me, and I've never given them enough credit.

Cadbury eggs should be out year round.

I love Miranda but she frightens me. I hope I don't lose her. I was told by a wise person that women are the most treacherous creatures you could dream of, and I believe him. I feel like I'm the only one committed, and it's not gonna work like that. If it is like that, it won't be for long. There will not be a single more wasted day after a little while. The only thing worse than being alone out of a relationship, is being alone in one. And plus, it's too confusing being alone in one, because the whole idea doesn't make much sense. Aw well.

I catch cats. They don't call me the cat catcher, but they will. Maybe they can shorten it to CATcher. Would it still get the point across? I love goats too, but goat lover doesn't sound right. I appreciate their existance greatly, because of their eating of crazy stuff and cause of their noises,  but I do not have sexual encounters with them. I don't even wanna. If I did, I totally could, not that I've thought about it, but there's nothing holding me back from passionate goat loving. I do love them though, but not in a sexual way. I do want to pet their horns and stuff. Maybe even feed them cans. Goats are cool. Fuck you for thinking differently.